In many of our workshops I ask participants to reflect on what they feel when they hear the words, “self care.” The responses are not as positive as you may think. Self-care, for many of us, feels like something that is always out of reach. Something we are “supposed” to do for ourselves, but without the time and resources to make that possible. Many of us lack clear examples of what real self-care looks or feels like and become resentful of this elusive task that’s just one more thing on our never-ending to-do list.

When I was in a leadership position and managed a team of employees, I thought a lot about retention and sustainability. I wanted to build a team that could grow- individually and collectively- and I needed a consistent team to be able to make progress. I also knew that the people who applied to these roles were people who were passionate about sexual and domestic violence prevention. I want the sexual and domestic violence movement to be sustainable and therefore I want to nurture the sustainability of everyone who comes to this work. It was my responsibility to make it possible for the people on my team to care for themselves and to create a culture of caring for each other. We built structures to be able to process the work and its impact into our work day. We talked in every supervision about the effect of the work on their lives outside of their jobs. Self-care isn’t just about what we do on our time off (and many of us leave our jobs and immediately begin the work of being caretakers, which is not exactly ‘time off’). It’s not just about what we do to withstand the impact of our work. It’s also how we do the work itself. To that end, I told each new member of my team about the two phrases I always want to hear as a supervisor: 

I need help: When I was a director, I hired and got to work with amazing people. Many of them stood out for different reasons, but it was clear in each of their interviews that they were rockstars. Many of them also had developed an attachment to perfectionism both as part of their identity and as a mechanism to cope with past pain and trauma (Funny story: so did I). They were stellar employees and acknowledging that something was challenging and confusing felt hard and even potentially threatening. Without knowing their specific histories, I knew it was on me to create a dynamic where it would be possible to ask for help when they needed it. When we are in a position of power we cannot expect someone who reports to us to know intuitively that they won’t be penalized if they acknowledge that something is challenging. 

It’s really hard to ask for help, especially from a supervisor. As managers, it’s important that we make it clear: it’s not just okay to ask for help, it’s encouraged. Early in my own career I would worry that if I acknowledged I needed help it would make me seem less capable of doing my job. When I became a supervisor,  I would tell my team that hearing someone ask for help increased my confidence in their ability to do their job. It’s when I have an employee who tells me they are “all set” and don’t need anything that I get worried. We all need help, especially when we are new to a role. If our team is stretched thin (which many teams are), employees may be hesitant to ask for help from their manager because they don’t want to add anything to their plate. It’s the responsibility of the manager to create a routine of checking in and making it possible to address challenges together. If we don’t, it’s a save now and pay later scheme. Too often, organizations lose great employees because it never feels good to be doing something that you’re not totally confident about, especially in isolation. Or we discover- too late- that a task was being completely avoided or done in a way that is out of alignment with the practices and values of our organization. 

No: When we are new to a job (or to the workforce) it can be incredibly tempting to say yes to everything. For many years I tied my self worth to how much I could do- the more I did, the more worthy I was of the places that employed me. This was an express train to burnout. As a supervisor, I wanted to prioritize and model boundaries; I wanted to be sustainable and I wanted my colleagues to be sustainable at work and in their lives. From the beginning, we talked about the values and mission of our program to help inform decision making. When requests came in, we would talk about whether it was in alignment with our programmatic and organizational goals, and what the trade-offs were if we did- or didn’t- meet this request. I wanted to support a shift from a reflexive yes to intentional decision making. And every time a team member set a boundary and determined that the request was beyond our scope or current bandwidth, we would celebrate. Not because it feels good saying ‘no’ to someone, but because setting a boundary and protecting the sustainability and integrity of our work is a courageous act that deserves celebration. There is so much pressure to just do more. Doing more for the sake of doing more does not increase the value of what we offer, and it makes it more likely that we will reach a point where we can’t offer any more. We protect the sustainability of our colleagues, of our organizations, and of a larger movement when we become more discerning and intentional of what we take on. The success is not how much we can do, but how well we can do it. And when done well, this work can energize and sustain us rather than deplete us. 

We want to learn from you! How is self-care modeled and encouraged in your company/organization? JT Consulting is here to mentor and support new managers and teams working to support the sustainability of their employees. Reach out and schedule a call to learn more.