That Can’t Happen Here: Facing the Reality of Domestic Violence
I have worked with Wayland Public Schools for over a decade. Wayland has been teaching a healthy relationships curriculum at the high school for many years, but after one of their beloved students, Lauren Dunne Astley, was killed by her former dating partner and fellow student, the school deepened their commitment to violence prevention. That commitment has only grown stronger over the years and now, in 2024, we are still working together to continue to enhance and strengthen their healthy relationships curriculum from 4th-12th grade.
Back in 2015, only 4 years after Lauren’s death, we partnered to roll out a new curriculum on healthy relationships. For the initial pilot, I co-taught most of the classes. On the first day we talked about the school’s commitment to addressing and preventing teen dating violence. We talked about Lauren, and we talked about Nate, her former boyfriend who ended her life. My co-teacher was a football coach and knew both Lauren and Nate well. He talked with amazing vulnerability and honesty. As he spoke in a large lecture hall, you could hear a pin drop.
After our introduction, we wanted to get our students moving, so we did an activity where we read a statement and asked them to move around the room depending on whether they agreed, disagreed, or were unsure. We gave them an opportunity to share their opinions and to move if they were swayed by another student’s response. One of the first statements we read was, “Domestic violence is an issue that impacts the Wayland community.” The majority of students moved to the “disagree” side of the room. We asked the students to share their thoughts and many of them shared sentiments like, “That doesn’t really happen here.” or “Things are so safe here, it’s like a little bubble.”
I had been doing this work long enough that while it was still somewhat unnerving to hear students deny that domestic violence could happen in their community mere minutes after we shared a very real and recent story of domestic violence homicide in their town, I wasn’t entirely shocked. Our desire to believe that terrible things can’t happen to us or to our communities is really strong. It’s scary and overwhelming to face an uncomfortable truth that domestic violence can and does happen anywhere and to anyone. When we hear sensationalized stories in the news, we prefer to believe that these are isolated incidents that couldn’t have been prevented. It lets us all off the hook to buy into that narrative but it also puts us all in more danger. The truth is, domestic violence homicide is preventable. But we have to be able to talk about it, and we have to do so with intention and care.
As we engaged these students in the first session and throughout the semester, we saw their understanding deepen. We witnessed their initial “ah-ha!” moments as concepts began to connect, and we saw their motivation spark and grow as they developed skills to raise awareness, interrupt harmful behavior, and educate their peers.
Talking about domestic violence, and especially domestic violence homicide, can be shocking and overwhelming. While we continue to talk about Lauren and the deep commitment we have to preventing another tragedy, we focus our efforts on fostering intrinsic motivation and skill development. We are guided not by a fear of another loss but by the hope that every student can experience safe and healthy relationships. To foster intrinsic motivation, we utilize approaches that address and mitigate the pain and overwhelm that these topics can bring up, rather than add to it. We structure our conversations in the classroom and in the community to leave folks feeling more empowered and less powerless. Providing opportunities to share strategies that anyone can tailor to their life/personality/role and take an action allows all of us to see ourselves as an agent for change. We can remind ourselves and others that small actions can often make the biggest difference in someone else’s life.
While there will continue to be sensationalized headlines about domestic violence homicide that serve to shock and leave us feeling so disturbed we want to turn away, we also have an opportunity to educate ourselves and those we care about. We can learn the many forms of abuse- many that are not obvious and/or physical- that predate an escalation of violence. The many instances we may witness in our own lives of a survivor becoming more isolated and a perpetrator becoming more controlling. The subtle red flags that we can learn to recognize and strategies to hold abusers in our lives accountable and how to best provide support to survivors.
The Wayland Community was forever changed on July 3rd, 2011. Many of the students I meet with at the high school now are too young to remember, but the teachers and administrators have dedicated themselves to ensure that this community will never forget Lauren or lose their dedication to preventing teen dating violence. Every October my family and I cheer on the Wayland Football Team as they adorn purple accessories at their annual domestic violence awareness month game. I meet with the players ahead of time to talk about how to use their skills of holding each other accountable on the field to hold one another accountable for how they treat each other and their friends and partners. I have watched individual “ah ha” learning moments and a community that continues to grow stronger. May we all be inspired by their dedication and find a shared commitment to preventing another tragic loss.
Feeling inspired to learn more and partnering with us to foster healthy relationships in your community? Let’s talk!
