It’s never too early- or too late- to talk to your kid(s) about relationships.
School is beginning all over the country and parents are doing all the things- packing lunches, picking up school supplies, labeling everything, and trying to keep track of the ever-changing logistics. Whether you are dropping your child off for their first day of kindergarten or their first day of college, this time of year offers a great opportunity to talk about relationships. Here are four quick tips to help get the conversation started.
Promote and model communication and boundaries
When we talk with our kids about healthy relationships, we don’t want to just tell them what to avoid in relationships, we want to help them identify the kinds of relationships they want to have and how they can be a good friend/roommate/partner. Healthy relationships require good communication, and the ability to articulate and respect boundaries.
If you have a kindergartner who is complaining about a friend who always tells them what to do, talk to them about how they can use their voice and their actions to communicate their feelings and set a boundary such as, “I don’t like it when you tell me I have to do what you say when I play with you. I want us to take turns and listen to each other. If you can’t do that, I’m going to take a break, and we can try again tomorrow.”
If you have a child who is navigating their first experience living with a college roommate, they will really need to know how to communicate directly about their boundaries and how to listen and respect their roommate’s boundaries. When I worked with college students I would hear a lot of roommate complaints. When I would ask how they addressed the issue with their roommate, the student often felt stuck- they were so frustrated or upset, but they didn’t know how to start the conversation and felt worried about making things worse. As your child is getting ready to move into their dorm or apartment, we can encourage them to proactively think about how they want to handle conflicts and if there’s any boundaries they want to set from the start. We sometimes avoid explicit conversations about boundaries because we worry about making it awkward but doing so can establish a foundation, so when disagreements arise and tempers may be high, there’s already been a discussion about how we can address the issue.
We can help our child learn how to communicate and articulate their boundaries by modeling these behaviors in our interactions with them. We can listen when they express a boundary to us and we can model setting boundaries with them. We can say things like, “ I have had a long day and need 15 minutes to go for a walk alone so I can focus and be present with you when I get back.” Or we can set a boundary that no one has their cell phone out at the dinner table (Pro tip: this is a rule we must also follow to be effective).
We also offer training for parents, students, and school/college staff and faculty to help build communication skills and learn how to set and respect boundaries.
The magic of car rides
The car is a magical place when it comes to talking to our kids. Children who never want to talk to us about anything will suddenly want to talk about everything as we drive them to their many and various activities. The ability to talk without making eye contact allows many children, adolescents, and adults to share more openly and honestly (it’s why so many of us share our deepest darkest secrets with our barber/ hairdresser). I am often rushing to pick my daughter up after finishing a meeting and heading into another work call as soon as I drop her at an after school activity, so it can be hard to be fully present as I shuttle her around. I have to consciously remind myself as I get in the car that this commute is also an opportunity. Some of the most impactful conversations I have had with my child have happened on the freeway. Whether you are driving your child to their first soccer practice or you’re hitting up Bed Bath and Beyond for your college-age kiddo, use this time to your advantage. Ask open ended questions and get comfortable with silent pauses. In those pauses we may be creating the space our child needs to share what is on their mind and in their heart.
Keep the conversation going
I wish I could end this blog with a handy script for a one and done conversation that would protect your child from ever experiencing unhealthy or abusive relationships. I would pay a lot of money for that, myself. These conversations don’t come with a road map and they can be uncomfortable and tricky to navigate. Many- perhaps most- of us didn’t have these conversations with our parents, or the conversations we did have felt punitive and shameful. Part of what makes it easier for me to have hard conversations with my daughter is knowing that I don’t have to get it perfect because I will have more opportunities to try again. These conversations are most effective when we start them early and we have them often. We can start with talking about healthy friendships and transition to topics like dating and roommates as they are ready. We can- and need to- own up when we make mistakes. My seven year-old will often ask, “Mommy, can I ask you a question?” My response is always the same: “Yes, you can ask me anything.” I tell her often that if I don’t know the answer to something I’ll be honest, and we can find out information together.
Help them identify a network
I would love it if my daughter always came to me with her questions, concerns, and worries. But I know there will come a day when there’s something she doesn’t feel comfortable bringing to me. What’s more important to me is that she has someone to talk to who can listen and give her appropriate support and guidance. It’s my job as a parent to make sure she knows who she can talk to and I will keep helping her to identify her support network as she gets older. It’s okay if we aren’t always the person our child wants to talk to, especially about intimacy and relationships. By explicitly acknowledging this and helping them come up with a few trusted adults they could talk to, we are modeling how much we care about them and want their needs to be met.
And parents, we need support networks, too! Parenting is beautiful, meaningful, challenging, and we are all figuring it out all the time. My daughter recently asked where parents go to school to learn to be parents. Until that school exists, we need each other and we need trusted resources we can go to and share our questions, concerns, and worries. We hope you’ll add JT Consulting to your list!
